One Step Forward, Two Steps Back...

That's how I feel lately.

At the risk of being totally lame, this post is, once again, about me grieving over the loss of you, our beloved Director. Nearing two months of your passing, I still can't wrap my head around the fact that you will be gone far longer than if someone was taking long service leave.

I've stopped looking for your car in the carpark - I guess that's something. At one stage, I thought I had accepted the fact that you will never be coming back (though I am still hoping for a miracle!). That the only thing that will remind me of you are the memories I have of you, and the photos we have put up around the place. But something, and don't ask me what that something was, knocked me back and I am, once again, in a state of denial and disbelief, the way I have been ever since I heard of that shocking news.

Perhaps a lot has to do with the upheaval that followed after your sudden passing. The Acting Director appointed to take your place, one of my bosses with whom I have built a wonderful relationship with, had also fallen ill and had to take 3 weeks off work. His replacement was... well... nothing like him, I guess, and it hit me like a tonne of brick how in the course of six weeks, so many changes have happened in such little time and none of us was prepared for it.

I don't wanna sound like I'm blaming you - God knows that you will probably be giving Him a good amount of ear-bashing, calling you to eternal life way too early. I have heard some people say that it was a good thing that your colleagues were chatting and laughing again - a sure sign that we are all moving on with our life without your presence. I, on the other hand, still feels like the opposite - that by laughing and joking around, we are moving forward, leaving you behind, forgetting you... Irrational, I know.

I know that my grief was nothing compared to that of your wife and two kids - I can only imagine how deep their sense of loss was, and still is. But I will say this: that I still miss you; that I am still half-hoping that you will waltz in through the front door and greet everyone, giving all of us that crooked smile and said "Surprise!"; that every day, I wake up and for that split of a second, thought that the reality was nothing but a bad dream, and the memory of you was the wonderful reality.